fired.

and that’s how the world of telemarketing ended for me today. not with a bang but with a whimper.

i came into work this morning tired and sad as usual. sat through a bullshit meeting with a bunch of cheering and swearing as usual. and then sat down at my auto-dialer and started making calls as usual.

it was a really mellow, nondescript day. i made a sale to a lady back east. it took forever because she was from the south and really liked to talk. but it was a pleasant call. just to be sure i didn’t blow the sale i had one of the managers who i actually really liked a lot close the deal. she talked his ear off, too. probably for another 15 or 20 minutes before she finally gave her credit card number and finalized the deal.

afterward the deal was sent into verification i went outside to smoke a cigarette. i bummed one off the guy who sat in the cubicle next to me. he was always super cool to me and made the job less miserable to be at. plus, i gave him a bunch of cigarettes last week so he owed me.

immediately after i finished my smoke and started to head back in he offered me a second one from his nearly empty pack. at the time i thought that it was just him being super generous (which could very easily have been the case) but now looking back i think he realized or at least subconsciously knew what was coming next.

i declined the cigarette, thanked him and then headed back inside. i took a seat at my desk and fired up my auto-dialer to start another round of calls. within a minute or two of sitting down one of the managers came up and asked me how my last call went. i told him that it had been a sale and that the lady liked to talk a lot but was also very nice so it wasn’t too bad. he seemed happy with this information and walked away. as he did one of the big bosses who we never saw in our area unless something was up came walking through the call center. he paused and lingered behind me for 30 or 40 seconds, seemed upset that i was on my cellphone reading google news and then moved on.

as the big boss walked away the manager i had just spoken with returned and told me that he needed to speak with me in the conference room.

and that’s when i knew.

i took off my headset, set my auto-dialer on pause and headed into the conference room. i sat down in one of the black leather swivel chairs closest to the door. the manager closed the rear door of the room and left. then our general manager walked in. he was a nice, well-dressed guy who i only rarely saw and only spoke to once before. he said “hello” as he entered and took a seat in a chair across the room from me.

“your blog is hilarious. everyone’s read it. there’s some racist stuff in it. people are unhappy. you have to go. you’re fired,” he said all at once.

“sure. no problem,” i replied as i stood up.

“and please don’t start taking pictures of me or anything. just go,” he added as more of a sincere and polite request than a threat or anything of that nature.

i walked out to my desk. my white binder containing all of my sales scripts and warranty documents were gone. the manager who had walked me into the office was standing there waiting for me.

i glanced around the work station and checked my knapsack to make sure that i didn’t have any of their property or paperwork in it. and then i said, “all your guys’ paperwork is all there on the desk.”

he nodded. and i left the building. nobody looked at me as i did.

walking to my car i had never been so happy to be fired from a job. actually i think this was the first time that i’d ever been fired from a job. i’d quit plenty but i’d never actually had a supervisor or boss say the actual words “you’re fired” to me.

it was awesome. i had never been happier to know that i was out of work.

all told i’m glad to have had the experience but also glad that it’s over. turns out that i’m just not cut out for sales. the company i worked for was a business. the owners and employees were just trying to make money to live their lives. they weren’t doing anything illegal and the products they were selling seemed perfectly fine and as good as any comparable ones out there. i just had a huge problem with the methods and techniques used to get their customers to purchase them. nobody likes aggressive telemarketing techniques. even the people who i worked alongside would admit that.

the whole “boiler room” atmosphere of the place really made it an awful work environment in which to exist. the hazing, the name calling, the fake enthusiasm, the constant monitoring, the fact that we had to build incredible amounts of false urgency on calls just to get sales to go through, it was all just mind numbing and depressing. and at the end of the day it all seemed pretty unnecessary. the people who excelled at the job didn’t seem to mind it. so more power to them.

i feel bad for my former co-workers in one respect. not for the fact that i made fun of some of their wardrobe choices or loud inappropriate conversations in this blog. i mean, jesus, what the hell should they care what some dipshitty retard with a faggoty crybaby blog who couldn’t even make it a month at a job that they make great money at thinks or writes.

no, i feel sorry that because of me getting fired in the way i did that they will probably have to sit through a boring hr lecture tomorrow morning and that the kibosh will be put on cellphone use on the sales floor to prevent anyone from taking pictures or video of themselves screwing around at work. however, realizing that the strict sexual harassment policy and ban on inappropriate language that was put into effect the day i started on the sales floor abruptly ended three days later, i’m sure by this time next week they will all be back to texting and twittering like none of this ever happened.

even though i complained about a lot of them, everyone at the job that i talked to on a regular basis were all very cool, smart, creative people who were just doing this gig until bigger and better things took off. and i wish them the best of luck with these endeavors and hope that they reach all of their goals as soon as possible.

except for that one guy who was always a dick to me. i hope rabid incontinent squirrels attack you in your car and chew off your genitals at a stop light.

i’m kidding. i wish you the best of luck as well.

i bequeath to you the usb phone charger that i forgot under my desk when i was gathering my stuff during my hasty exit. may it serve you well.