this job is killing me. i haven’t had more than four hours of sleep a night all week. i’ve been lagging and missing deadlines in my other creative work outside of this job. and last night my wife and i had our first uncomfortable disagreement of our marriage. it had to do with me being in a bad mood and tired from the job all the time and how i insist on complaining about it but never ask about her day at work because i think mine was so much worst. we went to bed without speaking and even though we made up this morning i felt really ashamed about it all today.

speaking of shame.

at this morning’s 7:15 am meeting, i shit you not, the phrase “headsets are for closers” was written in giant capital block letters filling up the entire conference room whiteboard. i tried to grab a picture of my phone but one of the managers erased it before i could snap a clear clandestine shot. apparently it was from a training meeting yesterday in which the pm shift workers were complaining (rightfully so) about having to use garbage, malfunctioning headsets or couldn’t find any at all when they began their shifts.

a headset and lack of self-esteem are the only two things you need to perform this job adequately and the company refuses to provide the one that costs less than $10.

in our training/pep rally meeting we went over how to “qualify” customers. this means that you are supposed to ask the customer a bunch of personal, employment and financial questions at the beginning and throughout the call to make them feel bad about themselves and “on the run” (as one of our managers put it). you’re supposedly entering this information into the computer but you really just put the people on hold and wait 30 or 40 seconds while you do nothing and then come back on the line and tell them that they just barely qualify for one of our products and only if they enroll in this program today and only during that phone call. they cannot call back or have information mailed or emailed to them or they will not qualify.

my first and only sale of the day was a post date to a woman back east who couldn’t come up with the $295 enrollment fee until her disability check came in on the 31st of the month. that means that i took her credit card info and put it on hold until the 31st when she supposedly will have the money in her account.

oh my god. i am such a disgusting piece of shit for actually doing this.

post dates are frowned upon because they have a lower percentage chance of going through or “sticking” because of the extra time between the call and date when the balance is charged. with “p.d.’s” there is a good chance that the customer will come to their senses and that the verbal mindfucking we just gave them will wear off before we get their cash.

we had a lot of post dates today. probably because most of the people we are calling are broke, very old, unemployed or all three of these things. we had so many in fact that the floor manager who doesn’t like me and who always tries to pick on me stood up in the middle of the call center dais and announced, “it’s all right about all the post dates today. it just means more money for me when all you losers are gone.”

classy and inspiring as always.

apparently if an employee quits or gets fired before he or she qualifies for their back end benefits or post dates go through the floor managers get to split their commission and sales bonuses (aka “spiffs”).

double classy and inspiring.

there was some dissension in the ranks today in the smokers’ area out by the rear parking lot. several of the new hires were standing around talking about how much they hated the job and how pathetic/evil the whole work environment was as a whole. one guy said that he couldn’t stand the corporate culture at this place. this made me laugh. “what culture?” i asked.

i smoked cigarettes for almost ten years. i quit cold turkey two and a half years ago and i hadn’t had a problem with it or temptation to go back. until i started this job.

i am now smoking a pack of cigarettes a day. during the week when i work i’m also not able to eat more than a meal or meal-and-a-half a day. i don’t know if it’s the nicotine, the stress and depression that go along with this job or what. but i can tell you that i’m neither proud or happy about it.

my wife loves me very much and has neglected to mention or chastise me for my relapse back into the habit. and this, like the fight we had last night, makes me feel all the more ashamed.

i did make one funny video today just so this post wouldn’t be all doom and gloom. here’s me asking a nice black woman if her car is currently on fire, in an attempt to “warm her” and built rapport. which i did quite nicely.

however, five minutes after this video was shot i was instructed by a floor manager to twist the screws in “this bitch” to try to get her to give me a down payment without being allowed to consult her husband. she eventually hung up on another manager when he took over the call for me.

holy fuck, all of us at this job are human garbage.

here are my twitter posts from the sales floor today:

The whiteboard in our conference room today reads “HEADSETS ARE FOR CLOSERS” in giant letters. I shit you not.

Manager just made fun of me for asking if they could announce that someone left their headlights in the parking in our morning meeting.

Apparently concern for others’ well being is for faggots at this job. #themoreyouknow

Same guy just shouted “It’s Warranty Wednesdays, babies.” #pleasekillme

I just tagged some dude’s graphic menstruation joke in our sales meeting by cackling “vaginas” & then force high-fiving 3 people around me.

They’ve never seen it. It’s boring/no tits RT @genegeorge They do know that Glengarry Glenross isn’t a training film, but Falling Down is, right?

Earlier a co-worker was teasing me for being married. I told him that I really didn’t mind being married and actually really liked my wife.

He apologized & told me that he only got married because his girlfriend got pregnant & now he has 3 kids. Then he sat down & got real quiet.

A few minutes later he was singing along with Lit’s “Own Worst Enemy” sadly but enthusiastically. #sadworkplacemoments

Just spoke to FL woman on bad cellphone next to a pool for 20min. Now have as big a headache as if I’d actually spoken w/ Flo Rida.

The French are inspiring. RT @foxnews: WORLD: Laid Off French Workers Kidnap Bosses. http://tinyurl.com/kn8yx5

Dissention in the ranks. Several new guys outside discussing how much they hate the culture here & planning to quit Fri. #humanspiritwins

Earlier a manager said not to worry about post dates because that’s more $ for him when all us losers are gone. #inspiringboss

Just shotgunned 2 back-to-back Parliaments outside. First time I’ve felt alive all day. Hands are trembling. #nicotinebandaid

Floor manager just yelled “Let’s keep it going, guys. Full-on power hour!” & then missed an easy wastebasket jumpshot. #metaphorsatwork

My male co-workers spend an inordinate amount of time checking out our female co-workers’ asses. Even the fat/ugly ones. #anyportinastorm

Cute girl from front office’s last day is Fri. Lots of failed last-ditch dinner date courtship attempts being made. So great to watch.

Sales girl who was boning dude who’d only text her just officially found out he has a live-in girlfriend. #fireworks #tears #awesome

On an unrelated note, the amount of elaborately embroided demim my co-workers wear would make even Christian Audigier uncomfortable.