it’s monday. in today’s 7:15 meeting we were told to remember that we were always being watched and monitored even if we didn’t know it. comforting.

we were also told that all of us were going to make a “fuck ton” of money this week and to make this week “a sprint and a cash grab to Friday.” fulfilling.

i decided today that i screwed around and rebelled so much last week that i had better apply myself at least a little bit so i didn’t get fired too soon. i’d really like to keep this job for a while so i can study it more in depth and write about it. plus, the floor manager who always picks on me and calls me names was out sick today so i didn’t really have anyone messing with me or making me feel worse about myself than i was already doing on my own.

i also realized this morning why i got away with goofing of so much and making all of those videos last week. it turns out that because i wasn’t selling anything or performing well that i was pretty much a pariah in the office (like most of the other new hires). if you do poorly at this job nobody wants anything to do with you because there’s nothing for them to learn from you (as far as phone and sales technique go). so if you want to sit in your cubicle and screw around and not make any sales (i.e. not make any money) then so be it, nobody gives a shit.

the other side of the coin is that once (and if) you get proficient at the job you can pretty much do whatever you want around the office and nobody gives a shit either. the guys who pop three, four, five deals a day or more show up a half-hour, hour, two hours late for their shifts and nothing happens to them. it’s a money driven environment so if you’re making a lot of it for the company and yourself you have carte blanche to do as you wish.

so, as long as i stay really crappy at this job or if i get really good at it i should pretty much be able to do whatever i want. post twitter comments, make videos, write this blog, etc. nobody sees anything that we’re doing at this place as art, so what do they care if i’m some idiot in the corner diddling with my cellphone.

however, since i was trying to be more focused today i did end up making two sales. one was to a guy who worked for the train industry. the other was an out of work truck driver in the southwest. i didn’t even try that hard to sell to them. i asked the train guy a bunch of questions about whether or not he ever got to go train car to train car and beat up hobos and drifters with a club like that scene in the movie “into the wild.” i had the trucker driver dude walk me through whether rest stop prostitutes (aka “lot lizards”) exist and if they were as ugly, torn up and undesirable as i had heard. turns out the answer is “yes” to both questions.

both guys paid the full markup i quoted them at without even asking for a discount. and one of the guys decided to do a full pay (instead of a down payment with installments) once he got into verification.

i figure if i can do two sales a day (which isn’t too hard if the dialer is actually giving you decent leads that haven’t already been pitched a thousand times) i should be able to blend in and keep attention off myself.

however, there is also another impetus for me to improve on the job as soon as possible. when we got hired they never really explained the employee payment structure to my class. basically we told that you got $8 an hour as a base and earned additional money an hour per week depending on how many sales you made. there was also “back end” money for deals that went through that would increase your weekly paycheck by 30 to 50% depending on how many deals a week you did.

today i found out that we do not receive any of our back end payments until we have either worked at the company for six month or have popped eight deals a week for three weeks straight. so 30 to 50% of the paycheck i could be earning is being kept by the company each week until i reach the company benchmark. and those back end deals aren’t retroactive. you only start earning them on deals that you’ve made once you’ve past the benchmark.

how completely fucked is that.

so, now i have to do another six deals this week, eight next week and eight the following week if i ever want to see a paycheck over $500 a week no matter how many warranties i sell.

oh well. it’s sales driven industry. i guess they figure that if you’re good at this eight deals a week shouldn’t be too difficult for you. and if you suck the low pay and lack of back end payment will eventually cause you to quit and get out of the company’s hair. it’s actually pretty smart. completely horrible and evil, but smart none the less.

one other quick note about today. this morning i witnessed something that i’ve seen a few times before but never mentioned. somebody in the row of cubicles furthest away from me must have a hookup at some upscale clothing company. people keep going over to his work station every other day and picking up new pairs of designer jeans, trying them on in the bathroom and leaving with them under their arm at the end of their shifts.

it’s kind of weird and i haven’t exactly figured out who’s doing it, how or why. but it’s also one of those things i don’t want to ask about. partly because i don’t want to embarrass or anger anyone. but more so because i don’t want to get cornered, cajoled and talked into buying a ridiculous pair of $200 pants that i will never wear just because they’re marked down to $75.

also there is some kind of herbal life-style insurance billing company that a few people in the office are working for and apparently trying to recruit others to join. i’ve been reticent to inquire about it for the same reasons as the jeans situation. i don’t want to piss anyone off and i don’t want to get conned into joining some insurance pyramid scheme just because i am dumb and down on my luck.

here’s my work shift twitter stream for the day:

Just got to work. Greeted by female co-worker weeping in the parking lot smoking area

Older co-worker has moved his mini-van 3 times in the parking lot & is now spending inordinate amount of time in the backseat.

I imagine he’s checking ammo clips and getting his Santa suit together. Today could be the day of reckoning.

Asking all surly co-workers today if they’ve “got a case of the Garfields.” I want to get shot first. Center body mass if possible.

Floor manager just announced that the next person to touch the inhouse stereo system would “get punched in the throat.”

If he’d promise to crush my larynx and send me to hell I’d be more than happy change the Iron Maiden blaring overhead right now.

Holy shit. Someone changed the radio to the oldies station. Hope that manager is actually going follow through on his threat.

Would love to see someone get a neckfist to The Supremes’ “Where Did Our Live Go.”

Just sold a $2800 product to a man after haivng a 5 minute conversation with him about beating railroad hobos to death with his bare hands.

Lots of typos today. Life force low. Need to refuel on co-workers’ racism, homophobia and ennui. Self-hatred is the spellcheck of the soul.

Just kidding. There’s no ennui in here. The people around me love this shit. Like fist bumping while high-fiving love this shit.

Last tweet had awkward grammar. Sorry was busy threatening to hide receptionist’s rollerblades over an unrelated issue.

@genegeorge Haha. Thanks. Can you also put on a decrepit cootie-ridden headset and shakedown some Floridian retirees for me

Just sold a $2450 product after an 8 minute conversation about rest area prostitutes with an Arizona truck driver.

Suspicious inter-office knockoff jean sale taking place three cubicles away. I apparently I work at the Compton Swap Meet Annex.

I wish. There’d be less chicanery and guilt involved. @nickrutherford: @danbialek Are you selling Japanese sex bots?

Just heard “I’m going to mark this Indian dude up $1000.” They hate the “Patels” here at this place. #sadglengaryglenrossmoments

Being proficient at this job really depresses me. It’s like being employee of the month on a seal clubbing skiff.

Co-worker in restroom on phone sex talking w/ girlfriend while peeing. Wonder if it killed the mood when he flushed before ending call. Ugh.

A guy here telemarkets w/ his own wireless headset. Really ups the dbag ante. Like an accelerator suit made of Ed Hardy shirts.

This job sucks. #notcleverjusttrue