yesterday i got to watch mario give the “will smith” pitch. this is where a salesman tells a customer that he just sold a warranty to will smith last week and that even will smith had to purchase on the first call in to us or else we wouldn’t have been able to sell him one. i’m pretty sure that we’ve never even sold a warranty to the guy who played carlton on the fresh prince of bel-air, let alone will smith.

learned today that all of the new people (e.g. me) are receiving dog shit, months old leads because the company doesn’t want to waste good fresh ones on what is essentially extended on the job training. i don’t blame them for doing so. but it still sucks to know this is the case.

it’s like being told that you’re about to be kicked in the balls and then being actually kicked in the balls. doesn’t make it hurt any less.

i’ve discovered two things today:

1. i talk way too fast and too much during sales calls (four different managers have told me so)

2. i couldn’t give a shit less because i hate being here and this job fucking evil.

i’ve also discovered that i don’t hate the people that i’m calling enough yet to be able to sell this shit to them effectively. part of me hopes i never do. and all of me realizes that i will always be poor because of this unfortunate fact.

i feel like siddhartha if at the end of his great journey and spiritual awakening one of his followers turned to him and said, “great, now go get a job, faggot.”

this dialogue exchange just took place between me and a potential customer.

me: hold on, sir, let me get out my crystal ball.

annoying customer: oh, are you a psychic now?

me: no, i was in a horrific bicycle seat accident as a child. but thank you for asking.

well, if yesterday was “big sale wednesday” according to our supervising floor managers, then today is “everyone i’ve talked to today is a douchebag thursday” according to me.

a floor manager just angrily asked what in the hell i was doing sitting here doing nothing. i told him that i was watching the aperture of my dreams slowly but steadily close right before my eyes. he rudely turned down my offer to pull up a chair, take a seat and enjoy the view of my own spiritual apocalypse. what a stick in the mud.

in 53 minutes i will have listened to exactly 6 consecutive hours of pop music and r&b slow jams while here. not by choice.

i’ve had three people today tell me that I was too smart to work here. great, i’m the valenvictorian of retard school.

i’d rather listen to an open sore on godzilla’s dick than the music they play in this place.

i’m probably only a google search away from being unemployed. and i’m totally fine with that. honest.